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“A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men”
Before I begin this month’s article, I’d like to take a second to recognize that the TerrorScene has eclipsed 300 members. Might not sound like much, but ask any Persian soldier circa 480 BC how they feel about facing 300 people. We are only as strong as our foundation, and I’d like to thank each and every one of you for your support in getting the TerrorScene off the ground. I can comfortably speak for each of us Fiends when I say that we wouldn’t be where we are today without you. You are the bedrock of the TerrorScene, and we are all honored to have been granted the opportunity to grow with you. Thank you, and cheers to enjoying this ride together! Now, on to the article.
So a few weeks back, I was feeling a little blase about the daily television broadcasts, streaming services, etc. I decided to step into the vault. What is the vault, you may ask? A personally curated collection of all the horror and horror adjacent entertainment I’ve been able to amass over the last 25 or so years. Slasher, gore, body horror, ghost, cannibal, exploitation, blaxploitation, pseudo-snuff, torture porn, vomit gore, it’s all there. Close to two full years of non-stop duplicate free blood dripping head ripping entertainment. But none of it was scratching the itch. I decided to step away and give the brain a little rest from the overstimulation. I’ll come back later.
A little later that evening, as I’m consuming some wild mushrooms that I’ve recently harvested, I remember a movie called Shrooms I caught a while back when dealing with a particularly nasty bout of COVID-19. The only thing I recall about that movie is a conversation between a man and a cow, with the cow telling the man that he’s fucked. Yep, you read that correctly. I finish up my dinner, and know exactly what I’m looking for.
I purposefully re-enter the vault, and I grab three selections for the evening. Three of the most absurd, over-the-top movies I own. This evening just went from a normal weeknight to mid-week batshittery real quick...
Now I could turn this into a review of these three movies, but I’m not going to do that. I will instead give my top 7 completely absurd horror movies, each with a little description and my favorite scene. So grab a snack and settle in, we have a lot of ground to cover. Go on, I’ll wait. Not like there’s much else to do in the void...
Back yet? Good. Before we start, just a few points of clarification. This is not in any specific order. I really do think all these movies are equally nutty in their own way, and wouldn’t know where to begin to rank them. Next, most of these are unrated. Needless to say, when a movie is unrated, it’s typically pushing the envelope in one way or another. We will be discussing some very taboo and triggering subjects, so consider yourself warned. Also, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night without saying don’t watch any of these around children!!! I know that should go without saying, but then again these days we have people cooking chicken in Ny-Quil. What a world. Lastly, a large portion of these films are incredibly hard to find. If and when you do, they can get extremely pricey. While I do understand there are other ways to find these films, and some people will use these methods, please support the hard working people that have made these films. Maybe buy another film from their collection or some merch or something. You don’t work for free and neither do they. Let’s each do our part to keep our favorite genre strong. Now that all the formalities are out of the way, let us begin.
Calvaire - 2004
Plot - A man’s van breaks down while en-route to a Christmas performance at a retirement home. He is rescued by a man who takes him into an old inn at the edge of town. The inn is run by a retired comedian, but is he at all what he claims to be?
Precious Moments - This one is likely the tamest on the list. Crucifixion, bestiality, cross dressing, and one of the oddest group dance numbers I’ve seen to date. Seriously odd flick, with some very unique cinematography.
Singapore Sling - 1990
Plot - A mother and daughter, both with unchecked mental illness, use their remote mansion to enact some seriously perverse sexual fantasies. Enter Singapore Sling, a wounded detective looking for his lost love, who bears a stunning resemblance to the daughter. The ladies take him in, but what exactly has he gotten himself into?
Precious Moments - Here’s one for all the hardened freaks out there. This one is chock full of sexual depravity. Necrophilia, golden showers, vomit, incest, rape, electrocution, nothing is off limits here. Loads of taboo situations contributing to an extremely uncomfortable watch, even for this lifelong gorehound!
Nails - 2003
Plot - A hitman has had enough of dealing with his inner demons and turns to the only thing that may be able to cure him of his anxiety and headaches. Trepanation.
Precious Moments - Whoo boy, this one is out there. There are no real individual moments to speak of, aside from the x-ray view of the hitman hammering a nail into his own skull. There are plenty of gore scenes and a touch of depravity, but this one is all about the body of work. Once the trepanning begins, so does the descent into insanity. Worthy of note, the director Andrey Iskanov coined the term HalluCinoGeNnN for his series of psychedelic gore films.
He Never Dies - 1986
Plot - A total failure of a man is going through such a horrible breakup that he considers suicide, and decides to go through with it. Only problem is, he can’t even succeed at that!
Precious Moments - Gore gore gore and more gore! This is the only splatter comedy to make the list. My favorite scene is probably the lead character inviting over his ex-friend, disemboweling himself, and tossing his entrails at his former buddy! Part of the Guinea Pig splatter gore series.
Tetsuo: The Iron Man - 1989
Plot - A man and his girlfriend accidentally hit a man with their car. The man they hit is what is known as a metal fetishist, someone who inserts various pieces of metal into their body. The fetishist has his revenge, but not in the way you’d think.
Precious Moments - This is one of my favorites. This movie was one of the biggest influences on cyberpunk horror that no one has seen. As the cold hard steel overtakes Tetsuo’s body, the absurdity follows suit culminating in quite a bizzarre ending. Oh, and the drill penis was a really nice touch.
Squirmfest - 1989
Plot - Umm, no. Really no plot here. This is plain and simple gross out exploitation. Girl eats noodles and worms mixed together. Shits on the floor. Eats that. Want more? Watch it yourself!
Precious Moments - You like smoothies? you won’t after watching this. This movie is VILE. I accept no responsibility for the mental state this video leaves you in. Highly suggested to watch this with a vomit receptacle closeby. YOU WERE WARNED.
Das Komabrutale Duell - 1999
Plot - A man is killed by a drunk driver. His son vows revenge, and will stop at nothing to get it. He enlists the help of a gang to kill the driver and his family. They succeed at killing his parents, but the driver survives the beating but falls into a deep coma. Once he awakens, the blood resumes flowing.
Precious Moments - This film is 125 minutes long, and I’d say about 117 of those are filled with non stop mad cap violence. Total over the top low budget gore including shootings, stabbings, beatings, power tool brutality, head smashing, crucifixion, you name it, this movie has it. This is the gold standard when it comes to violence and gore. It also contains one of my favorite movie quotes ever, simply “Mein Gott, BABIES!”
Honorable mentions to: Nekromantik 1&2, Violent Shit series, Seytan: the Turkish Exorcist, Premutos: Lord of the Living Dead, Bite, the Vomit Gore Trilogy, Gozu.
There you have it, some of the most absurd horror that I’ve been able to experience. I understand that many of these titles aren’t going to be most people’s cup of tea, but they aren’t meant to be. These are some of the roughest of the rough, the hardest pills to swallow. Enjoy them at your own risk!
Did I miss any? Do you have some out there horror that you think belongs on my list? Maybe you think something doesn’t belong here, or an honorable mention should have made the list. What would you replace it with? I’d love to know your thoughts on the absurd, the not so inside the box horror flicks. Until next time gorehounds, see you in your nightmares!
No secret this time, next one is obvious:
“Bonfires burning bright. Pumpkin faces in the night. I remember Halloween”